you could`ve told me not to fall so hard.
you didn`t have to be so sure, you could have let doubt again and again.
you told me. words. i dont want to forget. i dont know how to erase this from my mind.
maybe its just not meant to be, maybe were not for each other, maybe this is will only get better.
but baby i cant help seeing u slip away, i cantt handle this heartache, wont you come back to me. <|3

i woke up so sore, and sooo thirsty. my head was pounding from how thirsty i was, or maybe its just caz i cudnt rlly move my limbs. but eventually when i made it out of bed and stuffed myself with water and food i felt alot better.

so yesterday was a rlly emotional day for me. the man of my dreams, is going on vacation in 20 days, and apparently theres another girl involved. i dont know whats going on with him, we stopped talking, we got seperated, but left each other burning with love... i still love him, he knows i do, he shouldn`t have to wait for me, but i thought he loved me too. i thought he cared, did he stop now. does time change things. boyy i believed u, dont tell me u never cared.. i spent all of yesterday crying my broken heart out, cause i couldnt handle feeling like your not mine anymore.

i came home at 12 last night and decided to go outside. i went out to the balcony in my sisters room and there was this ladder that leads up to the roof of the house. i really wanted to just have a peaceful moment to just daze off under the night sky, and perhaps take a couple breaths after exhausting my body with tears. i didn`t think twice, honestly, i just climbed up to the roof like it was the obvious thing to do. we moved in to this house about 5 months ago, and i`ve never been up here before, seeing as the ladder is a metre too short and unstable on the tiled floor its quiet challenging. i got up fine tho, and i fell in love with the veiw of the city under the lights. i felt so alone, it made it more beautiful tho. i started to pray, to ask God for forgiveness, and guide-ness. i know that im never alone because God is always there, and at the end thts what gets me thru. as corny as tht may sound. so i only stayed up there for like 5 min, 10 max.. and i was trying to figure how the hell i would get back inside safely when, i hear my dad, mom, and sister screaming my name. i take a step onto the frame of the roof door, and lower myself onto the ladder... but the ladder slips from under me and the roofs doorframe breaks off and i crash to the floor. i shrieked, scared as hell.
thankfully it wasnt serious, i got bruises and scars on my arms,legs, and back-- which add to my pale,and swollen face (the result of spending all day crying). as if the emotional pain wasnt intense enough, i`m covered in these scars so i can the pain. darling, forgive me, for failing for getting myself in these situations.
but baby it hurts even more on the inside.
wont u come back to me<|3

apparently my family was looking for me after i went upstairs, they probably heard the roof door slam when i opened it. so when they found me trying to get down from the roof, and they saw me fall..they went crazy. i felt soo bad. they know how ive been feeling lately, and started thinking that i might have gone up there to hurt myself. which i would never do. i didnt think i would get them angry, but it really was dangerous and stupid going up there.

i had a talk with my dad. i love him, i really do. sometimes i just dont agree with him and hate that i cant explain things to him, but still at least he tries. last night i had a talk with him, while i was still all shaken up he told me that he thinks i have a really good personality, and i`m the strongest one in the family, he thinks i can handle any situation. he`s disappointed and worried, he doesnt get why i bother with this boy. i was supossed to be over him 4 months ago, and he wanted it to be over long before..actually he never wanted anything to happen between us, he told me it wouldnt work. so seeing me looking like sucha mess didnt help tht at all. i dont know, i honestly still cannot comprehend the idea of not having him.
but it was soooo nice to hear my dad say those things, it makes a big difference, its sooo motivating. seriously, love it.
 
i wish i havent been so messed up lately, i kinda owe it everyone.

anyways, my body is fat as usual.
my intake this week was not good enough. i cant seem to stay consistent
i keep using school as an excuse. and that has got to stop.
im trying to eat healthier in hope that fruit binges dont do too much damage.

yesterday however i had no appetite and ate nothing except half a sandwich, forced --- **hence the heartache (i worked-walked around for the whole evening, then i had a couple extra shots of adrenalin) 

today i just mopped around the house, and stuffed my face **hence the attempts at denying the breaking of my heart.

today, i pretended i could forget.
tmrw, i`ll deal, i`ll find a way to follow thru..if i can figure it out.

**btw, i was so surprised that ppl actually read my last entry, and the comments were so nice!
i just like to write whenever i can to get stuff off my mind and get myself back on track, i dont expect ppl to read any of it, especailly the random & dragging entries like this one. so it totally made me smile, THANK YOU whoever read it! =)**

im offended, to have some guy i dont even know tell me all these arabic swear word just cause ? .. mind u i didnt know what they meant, but now tht i do i realize how bad he is, ugh i feel so disgusted. i wish i didnt know wht it meant, i just ignored him which is prolly the best way to go anyways. but it ruined my mood. i dunno.. profanity can be humorous, and just an outlet for anger. but once words like tht r directed at someone, its unnecessary and ugly.
anyways, i was having a great day before that
talked to my bestie, i miss her so much,its been hard after all the moving so it was nice to finally talk to her again

but i wasted the whole day, now i need to cram the last few hours before bed
need to do:
- arabic prep
- it reveiw for quiz, read lessons
- read some arabic - salah ud deen
- talk to my older bro, at 9-30 - very soon
- prep for english, learn all about petrol, reveiw outline + get notes organized

& if time premits, (doubtfully)
- calc midterm reveiw.
- arabic workbook
- prep for arabic interveiw thing

intake= way too much
cereal w/milk(150)
1/2 apple (30)
lots dry cereal (300)
falafel + pita bread (300)
homemade fries (150) + ketchup(30)
a tiny bit of pasta (50)
carrot (25)--i love carrots =)
pickles, and olives (80)
teaaaa <3

total: 1110
ew.

i just hope i can stay away from the kitchen now.
my motivation:
i want to look like that